Taming Toddler Tantrums

Newsflash!

Small children have tantrums...and it's complately normal!

Photo by Zahra Amiri on Unsplash

It is a normal developmental stage for toddlers to tantrum because their brains are still developing and they lack the vocabulary to express complex emotions. They tantrum because they are angry, frustrated or overwhelmed.

How us adults manage these displays of high emotion is extremely important.

Top tip...giving children whatever they want whenever they want it will result in more tantrums, longer tantrums and the tantrums continuing long past toddlerhood.

So what should we do and how should we react? Firstly stay calm. Children learn from what they see so if you get stressed and react badly they will see it and copy it.

Let's imagine your child has been told no because they want to eat a snack but its almost dinner time. The tantrum begins. The child cries or screams, they hit something or throw something, they throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming or they do all of the above. This is stressful or upsetting to the adult and they want to placate their child and restore calm. They either try to reason with the child, trust me usually they are not listening and not interested in your words, they just want that snack!!! If not reasoning then parents are giving the child what they want to end the tantrum. If you give in to your child and give them what they want they will likely react the exact same way next time, because, it worked!

A better approach would be to ignore the behaviour (ensuring the child is safe) and do something nearby to keep busy. Such as, put some laundry on, feed the cat, look in the fridge, water some houseplants. You might say mmm how have we got so much laundry again, I'd better put a load on. Oh gosh tiddles has run out of food, I'd better feed her. Dinner is almost ready what else do we need to do, okay let me lay the table. It's likely the child will be keen to help with these chores and your words will snap them out of their tantrum. If not, just continue to be busy Or use it as an excuse to pop the kettle on and have a nice calming cup of camomile tea.

The child will see that you are totally unbothered by the tantrum and you aren't going to be giving them any attention until they stop. Be consistent and set firm boundaries. If the rule is always that we don't have snacks before dinner then they will learn that a tantrum is getting them nowhere. Give you child credit for being able to learn very quickly from firm and fair boundaries, I promise you they will learn.

Then when the child has run out of steam do not talk about the tantrum. They don't need to have their behaviour thrown back at them every time they lose control. They simply need a hug and for their life to resume as normal. Say to them, you okay now? I could do with some help laying the table or help filling the washing machine and then move on.

As for giving them attention, give them lots and lots of attention when their behaviour is good. Thank them for being helpful, praise them when they have played well so that you could complete a task. Positive feedback when they are in control of their emptions and space and time to process those big emotions when they are not in control. Having big emotional responses to situations is not something we have to shield our children from experiencing. They need to feel big emotions to learn how to regulate themselves in these situations.

Remember though that a child who is tired or hungry will be more likely to have meltdowns so always try to make sure these needs are met. If a child is always asking for a snack right before dinner make sure to preempt this by offering a snack earlier in the afternoon that won't then impact dinnertime.

And finally this isn't about ignoring or dismissing negative emotions but more about making sure children don't resort to having a tantrum as a way to get their own way all the time. We must listen to all children in a way that allows them to express their needs and then meet these needs.

Ultimately though we as adults should be in control and not have a situation where our children are controlling us. So set boundaries, be consistent, be firm and be confident in your ability to be the leader.

This is just my take on an aspect of childcare following years and years of hands on experience. I am not a parenting expert.